How does change really happen?

So it’s now March (what?!)... for many of us, that means that the goals or resolutions we set at the beginning of the year are long gone, completely forgotten about. So, if you really want to change something, what’s the process?

As an executive coach and Townsend Leadership Program Director, I have partnered with people to set goals and then watched them actually meet them - time after time. What’s different between those goals and the “resolutions” we set? Let’s talk about how change and growth actually happens and what you need to do next time you really want something to change. Thankfully, there’s a science to this!

John Townsend and Henry Cloud, clinical psychologists and NYT best-selling authors of Boundaries, have identified that growth happens with GRACE And TRUTH Over TIME. Sounds simple, right? But it can be so hard to implement. I’ll share a story of a leader who is undergoing tremendous change following that paradigm.  

I was working with a leader once who wanted to grow in his ability to manage his emotions in the workplace. He worked a highly demanding and difficult sales job that was fully commission based. If he didn’t make his calls and keep his meetings, his paycheck, and family, would suffer. Frustratingly, he was on the emotional roller coaster each day based on the responses of his calls and the results of his meetings. He wanted to change, knew he needed to change, but sheer will power was not getting him anywhere.

It wasn’t until we realized that the root of his problem was not simply behavioral, but stemmed from some character deficits due to some childhood issues (it’s always about the childhood isn’t?!) that we started to see some change. He did some really hard work in his TLP (Townsend Leadership Program) Team and in coaching and worked through the issues that were holding him back. He had difficult conversations and boldly faced difficult realities about his lack of discipline, maturity, and minimal belief in himself. Discovering all of this was the TRUTH part of the formula. Once we identified how these truths were impacting his behaviors at work, he needed to build his knowledge base (more truth) for creating discipline.

While he was acquiring the truth, he also had to have grace and support from other people. Facing such difficult things is hard, and it’s impossible to do it alone. By having people who believed in him, who encouraged him, who accepted him regardless of his deficits, he was able to stand in the uncomfortable space of seeing where he truly was compared to where he wanted to be. That support is the GRACE. He also set up some very practical accountability and support to develop the discipline he needed and continue growing his character.

Lastly, change takes TIME. Changing our behavior and mindset is hard because of our defaults and habits. When we change something so habitual, we are literally changing our brains by creating new neural pathways. We all inevitably default back to our old ways at multiple points of the growth journey. The key is to shorten, over time, how long we stay in our default mode before moving back into the right mindset or learned skill “permanently” and having that become our new default.

Over time, this leader continued to address the self-limiting beliefs and mature his character. He also worked on not basing his emotions on other’s responses, but on actions that were under his control, giving him a sense of empowerment over his day.  He continued to get the truth and grace he needed to change his business and life around and developed a practice of finding the right information, taking it to his team, and feeling supported. He has already doubled his income (his first goal) and while the results are still being written, I will not be one bit surprised when he skyrockets in his career.  He unlocked his potential.

I don’t say it lightly when I say that having these ingredients in place changes lives! It actually works - and goals get crushed all the time! It’s a rich paradigm that addresses the character issues that cause our performance, personal, and behavioral issues we often want to change.

So for you - I’d love to hear about an area you want to grow in or change?